Apparently Artie’s hookah habit is wreaking havoc with his love life.

Drunk dial!

Talk about bling! That’s the most pimpin’ cell phone I’ve ever seen.

She’s gonna kick his ass.

All you cold and mean ladies, look out!

Ladies, please ignore the domestic violence charges on his record–she had it coming.

The L.V. stands for ‘Love Vortex!’

I guess cold and mean is better than tepid and passive.

Help me out, boys, what’s that breed of dog that has hair like this?

Frankly, Dan, I don’t think many ladies have a fancy quite this… umm… refined.

He must eat Fancy Feast.

Comb-over of DOOM.

Cat, the other white meat.

Mmmm, kitty veal.

For a moment there at the end I thought he was licking himself.

For some reason, the cat reminds me of Orson Wells.

Check out that eyebrow at 15 seconds! Awesome…